by: Kim McLeod

Let’s refer to sexuality as Selfuality from now on.  We can all move past the sex part which is a real stopper for a lot of people.  You know people tend to think about the sex part of sexuality like they think about a wedding.  It gets a lot of focus but has little to do with the long HAUL.

So why then do we get stuck on the sex part of  sexuality when speaking with our children?  What is it about the sex part that creates a slight ‘panic’ and dissolves the conversation? Try making a list of thoughts and feelings that come to mind, spend some time with this and see
what it’s about.

Consider the word Selfuality, where would your conversations take you then?  Try and move past the sex and begin focusing on the self part of living in a world and navigating worldly choices.

Do you have the experience, tools and compassion to relay a healthy self-message to your child?  One that will help them move through the sex part of life?

We all know intellectually that sex is something that is expected to be a part of our children’s lives, ‘later’ in life.  So just like retirement planning we back shelf the issue for many years, passively thinking about it time to time, until suddenly the time is upon us. We PANIC what will we do?  How will we live through this?  Reactions and fear run high and the relationships around you are challenged.  Take a deep breath.

Sex is one action in an otherwise complex and life long development process.  Your role as a parent is to impart the navigation tools required for life choices.  Now is the time to begin teaching the life skills critical to helping your child navigate healthy life choices that will and do relate to understanding sexuality.

Know Yourself.
Consider the following statements.  I suggest writing a letter to yourself in response to them.

• I can stand naked in front of my mirror without shame?
• I can say no to the important people in my life and follow through on meaning it?
• I can express my wants, desires and passions of daily life to those that are important to me?
• I can talk with my lover what I like, don’t like and need.
• I can stand my ground and ask for respect when I am feeling disrespected?
• I speak kindly to others and myself.
• I respect the views of others and allow them the room to express them.

The answers to these questions are as unique as you are.  They are indicators for you to consider.  Is your self-confidence; self-assertion and self worth where you would like them to be.  What areas do you have strength in?  Which would you like to see grow?
Whether you feel you are on track or off track you will want to begin taking action toward your vision of what level of confidence you hope your child will be capable of responding with.

Knowing your personal limits, boundaries and comforts are a critical FIRST step to being more at ease in finding the language you need to share in the dialogue of sexual health with your children.  For now we are not referring to how the pluming works, rather how we as people work to interact with others.  I believe that parents are capable of teaching their children about this life skill in a healthy and productive way, so that they will later be able to navigate the more complex aspect of life, one of which is sex.

I encourage you to be the best person you can possibly be before, during and while  having children in your life.  Strive to be aware of your values and beliefs, work through them, keeping what worked and discarding what does not.  If I am nervous about a life choice before me, better I say ‘I am afraid’ and do it anyway, than to pretend I am not and avoid the situation.  Live your healthy values and beliefs daily so that your children can witness the most sacred of parenting – someone who walks the walk and talks the talk, openly and honestly everyday.

This is part one of a three part series. Keep your eyes open for part 2 and 3 in the next months.

Kim McLeod, Ottawa. © 2004