Dismantling Sexuality   Part II

They hear what they see.

Parents help to develop the ‘self’ of their child over time.  They are the primary contributors to the healthy ‘selfuality’ of their children.  I believe the role of parent begins at day one, where all of what you say and do, all of what you react to and act on will be transmitted to your child, your child who’s primary means of learning is by watching and their primary teacher you.

Heavy responsibility.

It’s easy to assume that if there is no reaction from a child, often a noise or verbal cue that there is no understanding of what was said.  This is in part a true consideration; there may not be an understanding because there is not yet a context for that information.  But what does occur is the information is stored for use later.  You may have heard children’s brains likened to being ‘like a sponge’.

Soaking up information

Children learn through sight and sound as they witness patterns of interaction, repetitions of words, gestures and reactions.  They learn from the very actions of their parents and caregivers from day one: how to greet, how to say goodbye, how to fight and make up, to be mad, sad or happy.  Children are constantly gathering information for use at an appropriate time in terms of development not necessarily in appropriate context.

Consider what you react to in a day from non-verbal messages.

• A lady at the cash register who has a heavy sigh while giving change.
• Your partner’s tight lips after bad news.
• Your children rolling their eyes at what you say.
• A ‘tsk’ noise from your mother at just the ‘right’ or should I say wrong moment.

What are these actions by others saying to you?
Are they about you or in reaction to you?
What type of messages are you interpreting from them?

So down to the nitty gritty.
How does your reactions to these topics get interpreted by your child?  When it comes to topics of sexual health how is your child interpreting them from you?

I know some of you are saying that you are very good at masking your reactions and I am sure you are. However it’s highly likely your children may be closer to the skill of non-verbal communication practices than you. Especially ages 0-6, ages 7-11 are becoming more verbal based but are still pretty good at reading others.  Ages 12-18 are extremely sensitive to non-verbal reactions and may even be seeking them out.

‘Research shows that 93% of the meaning of a message is carried by the non-verbal, and only 7% by the verbal communication.  You can prove it to yourself by seeing how many different ways you can say the simple three letter sentence – I love you – simply by changing rate, tone, and inflection’.  Dr Bob

It would become extremely tiring to censor yourself all the time, but there are two things you can do to address your reactions:
1.  Become self aware
2.  Use clarifying communication

1. Becoming self-aware. Children ask the most vivid questions and they can be in the most awkward locations. Example: In a crowded elevator. Your child points to a stranger and says, Mom does that man have a penis?  Fight or Flight?  After six shades of Red, a bit of sputtering and quick damage control glances you’ll come out with one of three answers.
a) No and smile
b) Say yes and ignore further questions.
c) Abruptly say ‘stop it’  There is an opportunity to teach in this moment.

Here are a few response options to consider.
Note: Timing is not everything.  Remember you can always talk about a topic.  Do the best you can to respond to something when it happens, but hey if you can’t you can’t – try again next time.  IN the meantime bring up the topic and talk about it anyway.

Alternate responses:
a) Smile /laugh and say I’ll tell you about that later.
b) Say Yes and direct where comfortable talk can happen.
make a statement like: mom doesn’t like to talk about this next to strangers I’ll talk with you when we get off the elevator.
c) Breath before saying stop – it eases the tension.  Add in a mix of the above two statements and be sure to explain your heavy sigh/breath.

Challenge: think of ten sexual health related topics that make you uncomfortable.  Imagine your child asking you about each of them.  Ask yourself: how do I want to be able to respond to them.  What message do I want them to have?

2. Clarifying communication.
Clarity of communication is a skill that is not practiced often enough throughout our world.  Yet it is greatly revered as the essence of creating solid foundations for important relationships between parents, family members, friends, teachers, first dates and several other firsts in life.  Clarity of communication is a skill that your child can learn from your guidance and modeling.  Key word: modeling.  That means you need to practice it yourself.  A integral part to teach your kids who are watching you, watching how you say and do everything and how you react to everything.

Three simple clarifying steps:

a) Keep statements of information simple. I.e. Yes men have a penis.  If your child wants more information they will likely ask more questions especially if you are responding in a positive way to their requests for information.

b) Own your own discomfort. I.e. If you are uncomfortable with a topic say so and make a commitment to your child to a) help them get the answer another way b) tell them you’ll come back to it later (be sure to get back to it.)

c) Walk your walk. Choose the process of self-awareness so that what you say and do is what you mean.

Challenge: Go back to the non-verbal cues that you react to.  When they happen in a week challenge yourself to ask the other people what they mean:

I heard you have a heavy sigh has it been a long day?
Your lips are tight, does that mean you’re angry?
Your rolling your eyes – does that mean anything?  Or are you ok?
I heard you make a ‘tsk’ noise – did you want to say anything to me?

Be prepared for answers – and in them you might be surprised at the accuracy of your observations of non-verbal cues or the difference between their intention and your reaction.

Your child’s sexual development begins at age 0 and continues throughout the life span.  How will you assit them in developing the skills to navigate their life and this inevitable aspect of it?

Kim McLeod, Ottawa.© 2004