So, Kim what do you do?

I support women having healthy communication with their children.

Wonderful!

I also help parents talk about healthy sexuality,

BAM! (Insert jaw drop)

WARNING! This post will have sexual terms that will offend some people.

the sexes

The majority of parents respond with one of two statements
1. Oh my child isn’t old enough for that yet.              2. We already had ‘the talk’ with our children.
Avoidance is not pretty!

Let me tell you now…

1.  Your baby/child will be scarred for life if you call their penis or vagina a woohoo or peanut.‘
2.’The Talk’ categorically is not sufficient to help anyone regardless of age

If your reaching for another excuse like, we’re waiting for the right time, sorry there is no ‘right’ time.

A ‘Talk’
Tends to be one topic, one sided and it commands that there be a talker and a listener.  It’s delivered as a one time event and comes with some unspoken communication like; listen up, listen well, get it, don’t ask questions, don’t get caught and behave yourself!  This might suit your personality or your fear about talking sex with kids, but I’ve seen the results of children’s lives that confirm this style has little impact on their education, capacity and competence in making healthy/safe choices in their sexual health.

The Dialogue.
An ongoing commitment to taking turns, listening deeply and acknowledge each others position – over time. It is open to subject, it is open to sharing and it invites the exchange of information between parent and child.  To dialogue about healthy sexuality would be to offer a continuous exchange of knowledge throughout the life span and relationship with your child.  In my experience children who felt heard were more willing to confide in their parents and gained more support navigating life circumstances.

The knowledge required for a healthy sexual development is not as simple as biology; how babies are made… and don’t you ever come home pregnant!  Rather it requires an ongoing exchange on all related topics: biology, communication, boundaries, feelings, safety, differences, acceptance, relationships, confidence and values.

These aren’t one time things…these are life skills!  L I F E long skills that are relevant to your child’s life long sexual health.

Quick Tips:

age and stage: What is relevant physical development for your child’s age and stage  now and for the year ahead?  This is what needs to be talked about.  So for boys 1+ touching their penis feels good -acknowledge that!  Same for the girl 2+ may rub their vulva against a toy and set soem boundaries like, not in the living room with company…let’s move to your bedroom.  While a girl at 8, 9 will develop breasts ( buds), armpit hair, boys also get more hair and their testicles descend…every year there is something developing in your child.  Keep talking about the changes every year!

language:  Keep it simple, clear and correct.  Correct as in the proper biological names.  Think about it…if a friend was talking with you about her peanut problems…you might have a hard time understanding what on earth she is talking about… a vagina is a vagina and a penis a penis.  Simple and clear is more about keeping your sentences to 5 words or less and leaving space for the kids to question.  As parents we sometimes get way too wordy for kids…

listening: When kids ‘come out’ and ask questions…we need to listen.  That involves being aware of the ‘ OMG my child is heading into the gutters of hell!’  feelings that can come up.  Set them aside for a while…just a while, giving your child TIME to talk through their questions, queries or just talk and ultimately solve their own problem /answer their own questions.  All the while you are listening, nod your head, smile where appropriate and load in a few umhumm’s.

It’s a journey…be involved all along the way!